“I think Tinder has it all wrong. Choosing a partner based on looks alone is not the shallowest approach to modern day dating. Let’s all get real and create a dating app called ‘Husband Hunting’ that outlines a list of assets, perhaps a breakdown of their stock portfolio, annual income and of course…total net worth.”

Marry for money and love the pool boy…were the words of wisdom a friend of mine recently received as she closed the door on a former employer. No generic pleasantries to smooth the transition just a NYC fuck you on the way out and oh…heads up – you CAN’T have it all.

I think Fergie said it best …“if you aint got no money take your broke ass home.” Who knew Fergie was the voice of a generation? A modern day poet to trophy wives all over the world. Perhaps I should just give up this career bullshit now and focus on my ‘real’ goal of locking down a rich husband. Who needs independence and prospects when you have an unlimited Amex and a lifelong relationship with your manicurist?

I think Tinder has it all wrong. Choosing a partner based on looks alone is not the shallowest approach to modern day dating. Let’s all get real and create a dating app called ‘Husband Hunting’ that outlines a list of assets, perhaps a breakdown of their stock portfolio, annual income and of course…total net worth. Women all over the world can get swipe happy dismissing and selecting life partners based on their financial prospects. Women of course, will still need to include photos and perhaps additional information such as… cup size, height, weight and a photo of their mother – so that men can analyze their long-term investment.

In this dog eat dog world – who has time for old-fashioned concepts like integrity, commitment and family anyway? Romance means a brand new convertible sitting in the driveway of your holiday home in the Hamptons. If you feel your ‘real housewife’ life is lacking intimacy – there is always the pool boy to keep you warm on a winter’s night….right?!

To all those independent women with their drab hair and flat shoes who insist on having brains – I say… there is still hope for you yet!… as long as you are under 30 of course. Thirty being the age by which all women reach their expiration date. If you haven’t locked down a man by then, you are clearly damaged goods or a lesbian. We will still tolerate you but you will be confined to Brooklyn where all old maids are destined to live out their lives as desperate spinsters dreaming of the day their night in shining armor will come save them from their family of cats.

I write this article as a cautionary tale based upon my own experience. Believe me…travelling the world and living out all your childhood dreams as an independent woman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. By all means…be all you can be but know your limitations…. as a woman. I have seen the error in my ways and will commence a penance of lifelong dieting in the hope of attracting a suitable husband with a fat bank account. I will gratefully accept his handouts and enjoy my servile role as the supporting actress. After all…behind every great man there is a great woman.

 

As a side note…there is an opening at my place for a pool boy. There is no pool but feel free to clean the bathtub. Please include a photo in your application.

TA
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