Thank you for screwing me….once again.
A few nights ago I was mugged on the corner near my apartment…
I live in Williamsburg… a nice neighbourhood inhabited by an army of white trust fund children all keen to adopt the hipster lifestyle. I have always felt safe and often joked about being jumped by a hipster….would they stab me with their vintage bike spoke or perhaps temporarily blind me with their green vegan juice – only to steal my latest thrift shop find? Not quite… but apparently ride by’s on fixed wheel bicycles are a reality… (good one life)
It was 11pm on a Sunday night. By NYC standards this is practically early evening. I was walking home from a friends house. As I was leaving – she told me to text her when I got home.
“It’s just around the corner” I replied “I think I can manage.”
(I think this was the point life decided to teach me a lesson.)
I was walking down Whythe Ave with my head down – texting on my phone. First mistake. I heard the sound of the bike moments before my phone was snatched but it was enough time for me to get my guard up.
For the purpose of this article…I am going to refer to my attacker as ‘Arsehole A’ ( I threw around a few more slightly inappropriate terms but thought this one had a good ring to it.)
So… Arsehole A made a grab for my phone but I held on for a split second, forcing him into an ungraceful dismount – during which he managed to push me and make a second more successful grab for my phone. As he was making his get away…he turned back to look at me….triumph leaking from his face as he realised I was chasing him. Recalling this moment gives me great satisfaction.
I continued my chase, throwing insults at him and yelling like a crazy lady in the hope that some good samaritan might hear me and decide it was their time to shine – intercepting Arsehole A’s getaway with a heroic tackle that would successfully restore my faith in mankind. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be and my calls to action fell on deaf ears -leaving me standing in the middle of the street watching Arsehole A disappear into the night.
Moments later… the european couple who had witnessed the whole thing and done nothing, walked past and told me to “calm down”. Let me introduce Arsehole B and C.
I dissolved into a puddle of tears and wandered around the streets for a while, hoping to stumble upon my attacker. My bravery from moments ago leaching from me along with the spike in my adrenalin.
When relaying my mugging to friends – the general consensus is concern for the fact that my first instinct was to attack back. What would I have done if I had actually caught him? they asked….I know exactly what I would have done! After I had tackled his bike and high kicked him in the head – I would have used my phone to call the police. At least that’s what the superhero version of myself would have done.
I guess the lesson here is – ‘Life is a Bitch’ or perhaps ‘Don’t Walk and Text’ or ‘The City is Full of Arseholes’ or maybe even – ‘Don’t Rob Feisty Aussie Girls’.
The reality is…big city’s hide bad people and even nice neighbourhoods have high crime rates. This time the city won and ‘Life’ taught me a lesson but at least I got the opportunity to bite back.
Stay safe… #WeGoSolo