THE NYC MAN
“Trust fund babies can look forward to a lifetime of therapy as they deal with issues such as…why didn’t mommy hug me enough when I was a child ? and why do daddy’s wives get progressively younger?”
The NYC dating scene can be brutal. Monogamy is something you consider after an extended period of time doing the dating dance…by which time either party may have decided to upgrade. In a city where even the models have PHD’s…it can be tough going. I would say most people are dating up to or exceeding three people at any one time. Their primary, someone they are interested in and someone they are currently fazing out. As someone who enjoys dating – I am happy to share my wisdom based upon my own experience. After extensive ‘research’ I have categorised the NYC man into seven different stereotypes….enjoy!
The Finance Guy…
I have many a girlfriend who resolutely refuses to date anyone from Wall st. Such is their reputation for douchbagery that the mere mention of their career choice can result in a stone walling from the female species. Of course, there are women who either don’t know better or don’t care – happy to look the other way in exchange for an apartment on Park Ave and a holiday house in the Hamptons. These are generally the same type of women who favor breast augmentation and believe that having a career is something you do before you get married. The finance guy enjoys the convenience of paying for sex and will continue to do so throughout his first, second and possibly third marriage. A direct descendant of the frat boy culture and a close relative of the ‘Jock’ they tend to hire their own, the ultimate boys club bonding over a taste for prostitutes and a kink for currency. They can be identified by their expensive suits, preppy appearance and manicured fingernails. The finance guy can typically be found dining at Rothmans in midtown. Close contact may result in a one-night stand and a subsequent trip to the doctor. Extreme caution is advised
The Hipster…
Originating from Brooklyn, the hipster attempts to shun mainstream society whilst conforming to his own kind – resulting in a failed attempt at individuality. Pre requisites for entry into hipsterdom include neck tattoos, jeans so tight they double as tights or alternatively jeans rolled up to reveal a hint of ankle, slicked back hair, bowler hats and vintage clothing. Fixed wheel bicycles are the preferred mode of transportation and are a symbol of status, especially if you can brag about how you purchased it from Craigslist for $10 or even better – assembled it from environmentally friendly scrap metal you melted down yourself. Possible hipster dates include, candle lit yoga, a gallery opening or a local market featuring organic produce, an assortment of chalkboards for wanky motivational quotes and of course, a healthy selection of second hand crap you can fill your apartment with. The culture represents a blending of gender roles and you may often question the sexual bias of your hipster boyfriend, especially when he hogs the mirror and takes twice as long to get ready. Hipster professions include photography, photography oh and did I mention photography? But if snapping pics of his own feet doesn’t quite pay the rent, he may take on a part time job as a mixologist and revel in his role as a misunderstood artist. Hipsters can be found in the Williamsburg / Greenpoint / Bushwick area and rarely venture into Manhattan.
The Nerd…
This is where my personal preferences lie. Sexy nerds are a thing to behold and it is my belief that nerds are taking over the world. The Nerd is engaging, successful and ambitious. Although not natural performers in the bedroom, they are open to feedback and inclined to intellectualize the act in an attempt at pleasing you. The nerd might struggle with fashion sense – a plain black t-shirt and jeans is a popular go to and he is more than comfortable wearing the outfit several days in a row – hinting at his questionable personal hygiene. Be warned, The Nerd will inevitably ditch you for an afternoon of xbox and or a Frisbee tournament with his high school friends. Possible professions include – anything within the tech realm. They are active members of the startup world and tend to be awkward outsiders of the hipster community. Nerd hotspots include, networking events and anywhere in Dumbo.
The Divorcee…
Now officially in my late 20’s I am a prime target for first round divorcees. Interestingly enough, women actually find The Divorcee desirable. Whilst single men approaching their mid to late 30’s are overlooked – branded as life long play boy’s or damaged goods, the divorcee has already proven he can commit and is therefore desirable to women who are into that kind of thing. What can I say, practice makes perfect. Drawbacks include, angry ex wives, possible small children and a truckload of personal baggage. The Divorcee tends to gravitate towards the safety of online dating as he awkwardly re-enters the dating arena.
The Trust Fund Baby…
The Trust Fund Baby is either being groomed to take over the family business or has run away to join the hipster movement in an attempt at defying his white republican parents. The Trust Fund Baby can be found hanging out at Soho House bragging about his new app or fashion label – all funded by daddy’s unlimited bank account of course. They tend to date within their own circles and their wedding day will resemble a merger between families, a showcase of power and wealth that solidifies their social standing within the NYC elite. Old money gravitates towards the upper west side, whilst new money has taken up residency on the upper east side. Errant trust fund babies may also find themselves in Williamsburg on a creative sojourn, as they struggle to ‘find themselves’ before taking their pre destined place at the top of the family hierarchy. Trust fund babies can look forward to a lifetime of therapy as they deal with issues such as…why didn’t mommy hug me enough when I was a child ? and why do daddy’s wives get progressively younger? Closely linked to ‘The Finance Guy’ and a parasite of the Hipster community, The Trust Fund baby possesses they type of self entitlement that comes with being born into money. Shackled to family expectation and social status, The Trust Fund baby will choose a wife who knows how to play by the rules.
The Native…
Sometimes its hard to find natives in a city full of transplants. But when you do…it’s a rare treat – if only for the entertainment factor. The native New Yorker lives and breathes the city. It is their playground and they know it intimately. The city is their first love and they will never leave. The are hardened, street savvy, cynical, brash and aggressive – with a bullshit detector that is finely tuned. The native knows the art of hustle, they are survivors and the original Jack of all trades. They have names like Danny and Freddie and may have lived in every borough- earning their street cred from a childhood growing up in The Projects. They talk fast, walk fast, f*** fast. Where the transplants might find the pace exhausting, the native thrives on it, tapping in to the pulse of they city and using it to energise them. The native will take you to his favourite hole in the wall in chinatown, he knows the best pizza can be found deep in Brooklyn and opposes clean living of any kind.
The Eternal Bachelor…
Has evolved beyond his original stereotype into a league of his own. The ultimate NYC man, a true product of his environment, The Eternal Bachelor has snubbed his nose at convention and decided that variety is the spice of life. He is independent, successful and charming and will often date two or three women at the same time. He feels superior to his ‘married’ friends and questions why they have wives when they could hire cleaning ladies. Many a woman has unsuccessfully tried to change him, only to learn that you can never change a man who doesn’t want to. His apartment is his kingdom and he treats it accordingly. He is clean, well kept and keeps in shape. He knows how to cook and even enjoys it. At first glance, he appears to be the ultimate catch. Women fall hard and fast but become increasingly frustrated at his lack of emotional availability. As the honeymoon period comes to an end, so will his interest. He is addicted to the rush of the first time, the first date, the first kiss, the first touch… His parents have long since given up on him finding a wife and look to his less attractive, less successful but more reliable brother to provide them with grandchildren. He is the king of the jungle, a true alpha male who will never be tamed, destined to leave a trail of broken hearts in his wake.
I would love to hear from my readers. Please feel free to share stories about your experiences and or suggestions for additional categories.
TA
x
ps…I believe my innate ability to insult pretty much everyone is a trait I picked up from my father. Thanks dad.
